Part 11

HE BEST OF DISCIPLINE IS that which is done at a

young age. On the other hand, if a boy is left to his own

characteristics and matured possessing these charactetistics, then changing him would be difficult.

A poet said: If you straighten the branches they will straighten up, but wood does not soften if you amend it. Discipline benefits children gradually, but it will not benefit those who have aged. Perseverance in discipline is a significant principle, particularly

in regard to children as it benefits them in that good becomes a habit to them.

Do not neglect disciplining a child, even if he complains of the pain of exhaustion.

Know that a doctor considets the age of the patient, his place, time and then he prescribes the medicine. Likewise discipline should be suited to each child, and the signs of the success or failure of a child can be noticed from a very early age; a clever child is stimulated by learning and the unintelligent is not availed by learning similar to the way a camel tamer does not become intelligent by practicing sport.

A man once told Sufyan al-Thawri, “We hit our children if they do not pray.” Sufyan told him, “You should rather [encourage them and] give them glad tidings.”

Zubayd al-YAfi used to tell the boys, “Whoever prays will have five walnuts.”

Tbrahim ibn Adham said, “O Son! Seek the knowledge of hadith. I will give you one Dirham for every hadith that you hear.” So on account of this he started to seek the knowledge of hadith.

Section One: Taking Care of the Trust

AA father should know that his child is a trust placed in his hands, so he should make him avoid bad company from a young age. He should teach him the good, for a child’s heart is empty and accepts anything that is given to it. He also should make him love shyness and generosity. He should make him wear white clothes. Thus, if he asks to wear colored clothes then he should tell him that these are the clothes of girls and effeminates. He should tell him the stories of the righteous, make him avoid love poetry, because it is a seed of corruption, he should not prevent him from reading poems about generosity or courageousness, so that he exalts these charactetistics and becomes courageous.

If he makes a mistake he should overlook it. His teacher should expose his secrets and mistakes, he should not teprehend him except in private. He should prohibit excessive eating, excessive sleeping, make him accustomed to simple food, minimal sleep for it is healthier. He should be treated with physical exercises such as walking, disciplined by being prohibited from turning his back to people and from sneezing and yawning in their presence. If he chooses to exhibit a bad characteristic, he should be deterred from it excessively before it becomes a habit, and it is fine to discipline him if lenience is of no use. Luqman told his son, “Q Son! Disciplining the son acts as a fertiliser for sowing seeds.”

If the boy is aggressive, his father should be lenient with him. Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The aggressiveness of a boy is an increase in his intelligence.”

Section Two: Future of your Child

Wise people used to say, “Your son is like your flower the first seven years, and your setvant the second seven years. By the time he reaches fourteen, if you have been good to him then he will be your partner, and if you were bad to him then he will be your enemy.” A child should not be beaten or offended after he reaches puberty, because then he will hope to lose his father in order that he may have his own way. Whoever reaches twenty years of age and has not become righteous, then his godliness is remote, however leniency should be practiced with everyone.

Disciplining and Handling Wives

TIS NECESSARY TO STUDY this chapter thoroughly, for I the worthiest of acts is that a man marry a virgin, who has not known a man before him.

Wise people have said, “A virgin is for you, and a non-virgin is against you.” Further, it is a grave mistake for an aged man to marry a young girl, for she will become like an enemy to him as he will not be able to fulfill her needs and as her needs are not met she will naturally develop an aversion towards the old man. Thus, if a man is tested with such and has married a young woman while he himself is aged then he should treat her aversion with good morals, tolerance and by spending money on her exttavagantly.

This has already been explained in detail in my book ‘4/-Shayb’ (Grey Hair [Old]). One should also beautify himself for his wife just as he likes that his wife beautify herself for him, he should cover his body so that she does not see from him anything except that which is liked and she should do the same.

Disciplining and Handling Wives

Section One: Acts which lead the Wives Astray

A husband should not joke with his wife often, so that she does not belittle him and hence become disobedient. Moreover he should not place all his money in her hands, so that he is not placed under her control as she could take his money and leave him. Allah, May He be exalted, said,

“03 SUS, KIAMA; is Sa ee IRIE “And give not to the foolish your money which Allah has made a means of support for you.”

Rather he should joke with her, while maintaining his prestige and status.

Section Two: How to discipline a Spouse

The best way to discipline a woman is by preventing her from speaking with other women (who are not righteous, who possess evil traits and morals) and from leaving the house (unnecessarily). Further, an elderly woman should be assigned to discipline her, teaching her how to tespect her husband, informing her of the tights of a husband, also to dignify in her eyes he who spends moderately, and act as her preserver for the insanity of a youth is dangerous.

Section Three: Marrying concurrent to One’s Age

If an aged man martties a woman who is not a young immature girl, nor an old feeble woman, then that would be better for him

as she would be less arrogant and more respectful towards him.

Section Four: Needs of a Young Man

A young man demands what he wants, he cannot be enforced to do what he does not like, therefore if he wants to enjoy women then it is a choice he can take i.e. he could buy young slave girls, if he is able to. This is because young (slave) women do not have jealousy or, at least, they do not possess it excessively, because they are owned and because of their owner’s ability to replace them and sell them. He, however should assign a keeper to monitor them and also have another keeper to observe the already assigned keeper.

Section Five: Being Content with what one has

If a man is granted a woman who is exactly everything he desited, he should forget what he missed for the sake of what he has, because branches are never mentioned when the origins and roots are preserved, also having an excessive amount of women requires a lot, the least of which is taking care of them.

Disciplining and Handling Family and Slaves

NOW THAT IF YOUR FAMILY notices that you have kK surpassed them in wealth or social status, they will

begrudge you. However, since deserting them is prohibited, one should then deal wisely with them for it is a critical matter i.e. being good and kind to them, without informing them of that which is unknown to them. From the worst mistakes when dealing with family members is to grant some of them and deptive others. Nonetheless, whoever chooses to do so, should strive incredibly hard to conceal this from them so that they do not detest him as a result of that.

As for slaves, in actual fact, they own their masters, because they are the ones who administer their masters’ food and beverage, therefore a person should be kind to them so that they do not wind up murdering him [i.e. poisoning his food or drinks}. Bizr Jamhur said, “We ate the kings over our people, and our servants are the kings over our souls, and there is no way that we can be fully cautious of our servants, therefore we deal with them

wisely and go along with them. A king should keep his prestige with them, while being lenient towards them. However he should be even kinder to them, particularly those who are in charge of his food and drink.” Also know that if the slaves are smart, they may hide some secrets from you and so they might cheat you; on the other hand if they are foolish then you will not benefit from them, because they will not understand what you want and so will not be able to fulfill your needs. The correct procedure is to employ the foolish ones inside the house and the smart ones outside the house as this will ensure that all wants and aims ate fulfilled safely.

Section One: Being Cautious

It is also a grave mistake to allow a teenage slave boy to enter the house, particularly if he is attractive and there are women in the house, for if they do not fall for him, he might fall for them. Further, it is a risk to leave a pubescent boy among slave girls because the intensity of sexual desire and the ignorance of youth makes one forget the magnitude of the prohibition.

These are fundamental rules that should be remedied with their

cures, and should not be left to continue until they bring about wotse circumstances.

getting along with everyone is difficult. For this reason,

the best that a person of sound mind can do about this is to seclude himself and keep himself to himself, for this is indeed generates 2 great comfort and relief. Nevertheless, if he has to associate with people then he should do so ina kind manner while being lenient towards them, fulfilling their rights, ignoring his own due rights, he should be patient with those who are ignorant, forgive those who are unjust, and give the arrogant the best seat in a gathering. The best means by which he can attain their affection is through forgiveness and bestowals. Besides, by these two, he can enslave those who cannot be led. It was mentioned in a hadith, “Dealing wisely [going along] with people is a charity.”