Part 1

The Ingredients for a Happy Marriage 5 Ingredients for a happy marriage 10 1. Elements that should be considered before marriage. ll 2. Fulfilling marital responsibilities 15 3. A realistic approach to married life. 26 4. Understanding the spouse’s psychological frame of mind.__ 29 6. Good relationships with other people. _33 Examples for us from the women of the sahaba and the A good parent looks after his son 58

The Ingredients for a Happy Marriage

All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him; ask Him for assistance and for His Forgiveness. We seek refuge in Him from the evil of ourselves and from repercussions of our actions. Whosoever Allah guides there is no one to misguide him. Whosoever Allah misguides there is no one to guide him. I testify that there is no deity except Allah, He is One without any partner. And I testify that Muhammed is His servant and messenger. O Allah! Send Your blessings and salutations on the Prophet, his family, his companions and on those who follow his footsteps until the Day of Judgement.

Our subject concems a very important aspect of social life. This is why I would like to present a gift to all those who are getting married - and in fact, to everyone in general. A gift, as you all know, is an expression of true love and gifts also breed happiness in the hearts of both spouses. Although, in everyday life, people are used to receiving material gifts, I will offer you a meta-physical gift (choosing the permanent over the perishing),

I would like to tackle the issue of marriage which is an issue that many young men and women are concerned about. I pray that Allah makes this endeavour a means to bring about happiness for them in both worlds. Allah assumes responsibility for that and He is also quite Capable of making that a reality.

There are certain factors that have prompted me to speak on this issue. I will mention those issues first.

|. The importance of this issue. A happy and successful marriage is a necessary goal for anyone who is either already married or is thinking about it.

2. Frequent marital arguments and fights that lead to separation and then divorce. This is not exclusive to our communities alone. It is a phenomenon that prevails - with staggering statistics - throughout the world. For instance. the divorce rate in the USA is 48%; in Germany 35%; in some parts of Europe and in some states in USA it has reached 62% and in some Arab states it has reached 20%. Then, there are so many families that live with the turmoils of conflicts and arguments.

3. A stable and secure family will produce generations of

Muslims who can carry the message of Islam. We desperately need pious young men and believing women who are raised in an environment of happiness, not in one of disruption and disunity. Children can then grow up in a healthy and pleasant climate and instead of having to cope with family tensions. These households will produce Da’ees (invitors to Islam) and reformers. I have consulted experts in this field (of marriage) and | have also referred to some books. | have then endeavoured to write a book entitled: “Ingredients for a happy marriage”, I will enumerate these ingredients briefly and emphatically. But before | begin, | would like to draw your attention to the importance which Islam gives to marriage through verses of the Quran and relevant Hadith.

Relevant Verses from the Qur’an

“O mankind! Fear your Lord Who created you from a single soul and then created from that soul its mate. He then disseminated from them many men and women.”

“And of His signs is (the sign) that He has created from

among yourselves your spouses - that you may find

tranquillity with them - and put love and kindness between

“And We have created pairs from everything so that you may take heed.”

Among the qualities of believers, Allah also lists the following:

“And those who say: ‘O our Lord! Grant us from our spouses and offspring the apple of our eyes and make us leaders of the pious.”*

They seek good fortune in their spouses and children from Allah Who is The Capable.

The Prophet (SAW) said: “O young men! Whoever among you is able to wed he should do so..."*

' Surah an-Nisa’ (4), ayat 1.

* Surah Ar-Rum (30), ayat 21.

> Surah Az-Zariyat (51), ayat 49. “Surah Al-Furgan (25), ayat 74. * Bukhari and Muslim

Dear friends! Building the family is essential for the establishment of this Deen (Islam) The family is the cornerstone of the sGcial structure. A successful and purposeful marriage is the indispensable foundation of this comerstone. A purposeless and weak foundation will not bear any fruit in any marriage. For example, those who take on temporary marriage (mut’ah) merely to fulfil their desire without even thinking about the honourable ideals in the institution of marriage, become very bored with their ‘marital’ life because they fail to identify the goals from the very outset.

When Islam came with guidance for mankind, it came with a complete and comprehensive legal system:

“Today, I have perfected for you your religion.””

* Ibid 7 Surah Al-Ma’idah (5), ayat 3. * Ahmed

Married life, like other issues, has been given its due share of legislation and Islam has tackled all its aspects such that it makes for a happy and prosperous life.

I used to ask myself why Allah’s enemy attacks the concept of the Muslim family and why they constantly try to catch us in their nets of disunity and chaos. I have now realised that they have understood that the collapse of the Muslim family is just as good as destroying the whole of Muslim society. When havoc runs loose in the family there is no hope that it will breed a good and useful nation. I once visited a juvenile detention centre and, to my astonishment, I found out that between 70% and 80% of these young children were admitted because of husband and wife problems or divorce. It is quite obvious that the more a household is prone to problems, the more likely it is that the children will be sent to these “homes.”

So do you see, O Brothers, what such disunity and argument create? It is this phenomenon that the enemy has capitalised upon and they try their utmost to destroy the very foundation of society. May Allah protect us all from their schemes and plots. Ameen.

Ingredients for a happy marriage

T would now like to draw your attention to those factors which make a marriage work effectively. 1 will try to use real examples so that it becomes more comprehensible.

In brief, a happy marriage should have the following ingredients:

. Elements that should be considered before marriage;

. A realistic approach to married life;

An understanding of the spouse's psychological frame of mind;

. Good relationships with other people; . The ability to solve problems and

I will shed some light on all of these issues and, as much as possible, I will try to be brief, unless it is necessary to elaborate.

1. Elements that should be considered

Abu Huraira (RA) narrates that the Prophet (SAW) said:

“A woman is married for one of four reasons: for her beauty, her wealth, her genealogy or her faith. So be successful with a woman of faith. May Allah bless you.””

No one disagrees that the right choice has to be made. The issue is what constitutes a good choice.

When looking for a good choice, the family of the spouseto-be should also be considered. Sometimes, the family of the spouse may influence their children so much that they can break up the marriage.

Looking at the prospective spouse

People have taken two extremes in this issue. Some parents detest the very idea that the bridegroom see their daughter before marriage. Whereas the Prophet (SAW) encouraged the idea and in fact ordered Mughairah (RA) to do so: ‘Look at her because that will be more conducive to a longer marriage."

Abu Huraira (RA) says that once he stayed with the Prophet when a man from the Ansar came and informed that he was about to marry a woman from the Ansaar. The Prophet (SAW) told him to go and look at her.'”

To sum up, the Prophet (SAW) encouraged people to look at their future spouse because that would breed love and produce a better relationship. Not allowing someone to see one’s daughter is a violation of this practice and tradition.

On the other hand, there are others who have blown this practise out of proportion. Not only does the prospective husband look at the bride-to-be, but he also mixes and mingles with her as if he were “dating” her. This is in complete violation of Islamic values and traditions. Islam only allows the man to look at her face and hands and part of her hair. All this is in the company of a Mahram (someone whom the girl cannot marry).