Part 4

Likewise, there are some women who would like to wait for a year or two before they conceive in order to consolidate their relationship with their husbands. This is agreeing to something that is reprehensible.

Then there are those who refuse to get pregnant because it disturbs their academic schedule. This creates a void in their married lives and deprives them of an affectionate relationship with a child who would fill that vacuum.

There are others who refuse to bear a child even after they complete their studies on the pretext of work and a career. At that time, the husband has no recourse except to divorce his wife. As Muslims, we are asked to have children because the Prophet (SAW) will take pride in the number of followers he will have on the Day of Judgement.

b. Raising the children.

People have different ideas and methods about how to raise and educate their children. Every couple has its own ideal and ideology and they will even have differences between themselves. It is clear that there is room for discussion and compromise. At a certain age perhaps, the father should have the last say and at another age the mother should be given the lead role. Each parent should respect the view and decide who is to have the final word. It is important not to condemn and criticise the opinion of each other in front of the children because this will inevitably create long lasting problems in the minds of the children. They will prefer the opinion of one of them, or they may even lose respect for any and all authority. You may hear that a woman has four children who each have their own cars. But the mother still has to use the public transport because none of the children are willing to drive her anywhere.

If there are disputes and differences they should be settled in private and not in front of children.

6. Good relationships with other people.

This applies primarily to the couple’s relationship with their respective in-laws and their families. Each spouse should respect the family of the other and not discuss their faults because this instils hatred. There are many husbands who, by revealing the faults and mistakes of their wife’s fathers, destroy any hope of living a happy life with their own families. This hope is completely extinguished when the mother-in-law bears the brunt. The same can be said about wives who practise this evil.

I am not saying that each spouse should love the other’s families because that is a matter for the heart (which is in Allah’s control). I am emphasising that each should respect the honour and sensitivities of the other.

Relationships with the neighbours depend on the type of neighbour one has. Couples should establish and maintain as good a relationship as possible.

7. The ability to solve problems.

Every man and woman likes to believe that they are capable of handling and solving their own marital problems. I will discuss this issue under the following headings:

a. Deliberation and wisdom.

Every couple goes through problems in their marriage, some more than others. Even the Prophet (SAW) faced certain obstacles with his wives. It is the wisdom of Allah that they follow the example of the Prophet (SAW) and solve their problems through similar methods.

Anas (RA) says: “The Prophet (SAW) was with one of his wives when a servant came from one of his other wives with a bowl of food. The wife in whose house the Prophet (SAW) was at that time hit the hand of the servant. The bowl of food slipped out of her hand and broke into pieces. The Prophet (SAW) gathered the food and broken bowl and said: ‘Your mother became possessive.’ “* He then asked the servant to remain where she was until he came back with another bowl. He placed the food in the bowl and left the broken bowl in the house where it was broken.”**

This is how the guide to mankind deliberated and handled a potentially volatile situation before it got completely out of * proportion. Each spouse should weigh every situation and extinguish with wisdom before it ruins their crops and offspring. Allah does not like destruction and commotion.

A wife was very angry at her husband and demanded immediate divorce. The husband told her to bring a pen and some paper so that she could write down whatever she demanded. When she came with the stationery, the husband persuaded her to sleep over it and make her demands in the moming. The wife agreed. In the morning, the wife was much more relaxed and never mentioned anything about divorce. Soon, she realised her husband’s tolerance and ability to solve their problems without any harm.

This means that both spouses adapt and adjust themselves to the nature of the other. This is one of the most difficult tasks for either person during the early days of marriage. Both are used to very different circumstances, home environments and standards of living. So: if they do not adjust to their different ideas and ideals, then it will obviously become very cumbersome for both of them. When no adjustments are made we often hear that someone divorced his wife on the first night, while another wife asked for divorce after a week and so on.

. Restraining the tongue.

One of the best ways for a person to avoid fights and disputes is to safeguard the tongue by not expressing every like and dislike indiscriminately. The Prophet (SAW) was so right then he told Mu’adh (RA): ‘Has anything made people fall head first into Hell except the scythes of their

tongues.’ “ So each spouse should be weary of what they say during an argument.

d. Not to take disputes outside the house.

Trying to resolve problems by taking matters to others, especially to the family of the spouse, is giving fuel to fire. This is because others do not know all the aspects and angles of the problem and will become biased arbiters. This will only inflate the whole ordeal and leave the couple bereft and more divided.

Arguments are usually preceded by minor and silly comments madé by one spouse. This minor incident is painted with unrealistic colours which leads the listener to presume the worst. So it is in the best interest of both spouses to work matters out and resolve their problems without taking them out of the home. They should not sleep without trying to resolve the problem.

e. Seeking advise from experts and counsellors.

Seeking advice from experienced and trained people is important when a matter cannot be resolved. These counsellors will be much more objective and thus offer solutions that the couple would not otherwise have. considered. I have heard of a young man who asked the advice of an experienced person when he failed to resolve his problem at home. He was told that there was really no problem and told to do something by the counsellor. He did so and immediately the issue was resolved. The young man

“ Ahmed and Tirmidhi

thanked Allah for controlling his tongue and asking someone for advice. Allah says:

“And if you fear a rift between them, then appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If they (the couple) wish to resolve the matter, Allah will allow them to reconcile. Allah is All-Knowing and AllAware.”

f. Being content and happy with destiny and fate.

The greatest benefit in believing in Allah’s destiny and decision is that a person remains at peace with His Justice and leaves room for His Wisdom. A believer’s matter is always good, if he receives good fortune and thanks Allah, then that is good for him. If he is confronted with a misfortune and remains patient, then that is also good for him. Being patient at the time of trials and tribulations is a sign of strong faith. A person can either be grateful and patient, or be ungrateful and impatient.

Every couple should apply this principle to their lives: if they do not have children, or if they have certain problems with them. They should believe that they if they are patient, Allah will grant them a peace of mind (and protect them form psychological diseases like suicidal tendencies) in this world and that He will offer them a great reward in the Hereafter.

It is terribly annoying to hear that certain men (and women) taunt certain wives for bearing only girls. This they do even though they know that the wives have no control over the matter:

’ Surah an-Nisa’ (4), ayat 35.

“He grants whomever He wishes females and whomever He wishes males. Or, He grants them both male and female. He (also) leaves some barren.”*

He knows, more than anybody else, why and where to distribute His Favours. Not complying with His decision is a sign of weak faith.

A man by the name of Abu Hamza wanted to divorce his wife and marry someone else because she only bore girls. The wife composed a poem which said:

“What is wrong with Abu Hamza?

He does not come to us and lives, instead, in the house next door.

He is angry because we bear only girls. By Allah that is not in our hands.

We are merely like the earth: we produce whatever is sown in us.”

The husband realised his mistake and kept his wife in kindness.

Sometimes a person is tested with an ugly spouse. Again, this should be considered a test and nasty remarks should be avoided at all costs. No one is responsible for their looks. “Riyadh”, an Egyptian magazine reported that a woman killed and cut her husband into pieces because he used to taunt her about her ugliness and threaten to marry someone else.

Likewise, if, Allah forbid, someone is given a deformed child, they should also treat that child with patience. Maybe there is some good in that for them. Besides, when Allah

“8 Surah ash-Shura (42), ayats 49-50.

likes somcone, He does tend to test them. Also, when either spouse is afflicted with some physical disability or sickness, the other should reciprocate with patience and understanding. This would apply when the husband becomes bankrupt or loses his job. Allah will create other avenues.

There remain some other issues which also make up some of the ingredients for a happy marriage. They are:

This issue creates a lot of problems for many marriages. This issue is, however, quite clear. If the wife has made some condition with the husband (for work), then he will have to honour any agreement that he may have made with her. The Prophet (SAW) said: “The contract that deserves to be honoured the most is the one you make to legalise (mating with) women.’ He also said: “Muslims are bound by their conditions (in contracts).