Part 3

Salmaan (RA) went to visit Abu Darda (RA) (they were both made brothers when the latter came to Madinah), but he had not yet reached home. Umm Darda (RA) complained to Salmaan (RA) that her husband had no need for her anymore. He fasted during the day and prayed at night. Abu Darda (RA) came and offered food. Salmaan (RA) implored his host to break his fast (since it was a voluntary one) and made him eat with him. He stayed the night with them and prevented Abu Darda (RA) from praying and said: “Your body has a right over you; your Lord has a right over

you and your family has a right over you. So fast and do not fast. Pray and spend some time with your family and give everybody their due right.” When morning came they made ablution and went to the mosque where they narrated the saga to the Prophet (SAW) who said: “Salmaan spoke the truth.”

Perhaps this is sometimes even more necessary for the husband to do than providing his wife with food and clothing. Especially when she has not had any Islamic orientation. This is in line with the practice of the Prophet (SAW), who not only taught his own wives but also allowed a poor man to give his wife education as her mahr.** Many men are quite lazy and indifferent in this matter. May Allah help us.

f. The right to be kept in honour and dignity.

This is one of the most prominent rights of the wife over her husband. The husband should do everything to protect his wife’s honour and dignity particularly in front of other people. There are animals in the jungle who are more considerate of their mates’ honour and pride than humans. Yes, this does mean that there should be a certain amount of possessiveness. The Prophet (SAW) described the brotherin-law as being death (when alone with the brother’s wife), so how can men justify their women mixing and mingling with strangers and others without any supervision. Sa’d

* Bukhari % That was teaching his wife what he knew of the Quran.

(RA) was the most possessive about his wife among the companions. The Prophet (SAW) said: “Are you amazed at how much Sa’d is possessive? By Allah, I am much more possessive than he is and Allah is much more so than I.”*"

So this is very necessary for men. The wolf will always devour the lonely sheep.

The Rights of both Husband and Wife over each other

The third type of right is common between the couple. No one is precluded from these. Those are:

a. Not tosreveal secrets.

This is a general rule for both parties and both will be held equally responsible to uphold the other’s confidentiality. The Prophet (SAW) said: “The man who will be the most wretched in status, in the Eyes of Allah on the Day of Judgement, will be the husband who confides in his wife and she in him, and then he goes and reveals her secret. pes

>” Muslim * Tid

This plays a very big role in the development of marriage and the household in general. Spouses should advise one another and even take account of and check one another. It is a mistake to think that this role is reserved for the husband and the wife should tolerate the mistakes of the husband. Each should point out, with affection, the mistakes of the other and each should accept their own faults.

This applies to the everyday running of the house and family affairs. The husband should not belittle the advice and opinion of his wife, in case her opinion proves to be more practical and correct than his. The best example to follow in this issue is the Prophet (SAW) when he sought the advice of Umm Salamah (RA) at the treaty of Hudaibiyah. The Companions were in no mood for any compromise with the Quraish, but the Prophet (SAW) had, through divine inspiration, signed a peace treaty with the Quraish. The Prophet (SAW) had the difficult task of consoling his Companions and asking them to shave their heads and release their Ihram (Hajj garments). Umm Salamah (RA) advised him to shave his head first, then the Companions would automatically follow him., That is what happened.

d. True love between the couple.

Marriage cannot be successful without this. And although this is an issue which does not follow any fationale, each spouse should at least express love towards the other. The

Prophet (SAW) used to offer words of love and affection towards his wives. We should follow him and not be shy or reluctant about the matter. Allah describes the houris of Paradise as being extremely compassionate (‘urub) towards their spouses. A marriage which is devoid of good and warm words is one that is bereft of any happiness.

* cf Surah al-Waqi’ah (56), ayat 37.

3. Arealistic approach to married life.

This issue can be discussed under the following headings:

a. A realistic attitude towards the mahr, reception and gifts.

There is no benefit in burdening the husband with extravagant mahr and imposing upon him to give a lavish wedding reception. In fact, it could very well be the downfall of many marriages. All expenses should be met according to the husband’s financial capability. The wife (and other members of the family) should not expect the husband to spend in excess merely because he is marrying her.

b. One of the better ingredients for a happy marriage, on the wife’s part, is not to pressure her husband into spending money on things he cannot afford. There should be patience in difficult times and content in prosperous times. The worst thing a woman can do for her marriage is to rebel in money matters and create unnecessary division between them. The Prophet left his wives for a whole month when they demanded better living standards from him. He remained apart from them until Allah revealed:

“O Prophet! Tell your wives: ‘If you desire the life of this world and its lustre then come, I will give you some means and then let you leave gracefully. But if you desire Allah and His Messenger and the abode of the Hereafter, then Allah has prepared, for those who are good among you, a great reward.”

“ Surah al-Ahzaab (33), ayats 28-29.

So the Prophet chose them and they reciprocated.

The husband should also be considerate and be generous in spending. He should avoid being stingy, for that is condemned. Allah says:

“Let the wealthy spend from his wealth. And those for whom Allah has restricted their provisions, they should spend from what ever Allah has given them.”*"

c. Being realistic in expectations and avoiding fantasies.

Very few people live up to this reality. Many couples paint a fantastic picture in their minds before marriage and assume their spouses to be something very similar to the spouses of Paradise. For that, they will have to wait. Moderate expectations from the spouse are commendable and each should try to accommodate the other’s ideals as far as possible. The Prophet (SAW) said: “A believing man should not condemn (a quality of) a believing woman. If he dislikes one characteristic, ‘he may well like another characteristic.”

This is how Allah has created human beings. No one person is endowed with all the best qualities. A woman may be average in beauty but excellent in faith and personality.

If perfectionists stopped and thought for a moment, they would realise that they are unjust. Many of the perfections they seek do not exist in their own lives and personalities. People would like to see certain qualities in them (the perfectionists), just as they would like to find their match. It may happen that a finicky person finds someone he likes

after a very long wait, only to be turned down by the woman because she does not like what she sees. So they end up losing out in life totally.

|. A realistic approach in asking for rights and fulfilment of responsibilities, Although the husband and wife both have rights, it is not proper that they violate each other’s rights and demand

unrealistic chores from each other. They should be very considerate and lighten each other’s burden as much as

4. Understanding the Spouse’s psychological frame of mind.

This is necessary for the compatibility and longevity of marriage. But despite this, many couples do not bother to give this issue any attention. This involves the likes and dislikes of each other and what pleases and displeases each other. Also, this is something which is not understood by merely asking the spouse, but also by observation and insight.

The best example to illustrate this point is the story of Qadi Shuraih who says: “I married a woman from the tribe of Tamim. On the first night I made ablution and offered prayers. She joined in. When I finished, I asked Allah to make her a means of blessings, to grant me pleasure from her good qualities and to protect me from her bad. Then I praised Allah. She said: ‘I am a stranger for you. What ever pleases you I will oblige and what ever displeases you I will avoid.’ So I told her what I liked and disliked. She asked: “Would like my family to visit me?’ I told her that since I was a judge, 1 would bore them. Then she asked me which neighbours I preferred, so T informed her.”

“{ lived with this woman in happiness and bliss for a whole year. Then, an old woman came to the house who was ordering my wife around. On enquiring, I found out that she was my mother-in-law who immediately asked me: “How are you with your wife?’ I said that she is the best wife I could have. The mother said: “There is no worse person than the one who is spoiled. If she puts you in any kind of doubt then hit her.”

“The mother would then come every year to our house and give advice to her daughter. I lived with my wife for twenty years

and only once was I angry at her. And that too was my mistake.”

It is well known that one of the greatest objectives of marriage is the procreation of humans and to continue one’s own genealogy. There are several rights and pre-requisites involved in this matter. I will outline them.

a. Bearing a child.

Many husbands ask their wives to use contraceptive devices immediately after marriage because they want to enjoy them first. This is detrimental for the wife because it is medically proven that when a woman who has never given birth uses contraceptive pills, she is at risk of becoming barren for the rest of her life.