Part 2

Consideration in Mahr and marriage parties

Aisha (RA) says that the Prophet (SAW) gave his wives 12 awgiya'? as Mahr (marriage gift given by the husband).'*

" Ahmed, Tirmidhi and Hakim

'3 An awgqiya is equivalent to 40 silver Dirham (128 grams of silver). Muslim

Umar (RA) narrates the same hadith about the wives and the Prophet’s daughters.’ The Prophet (SAW) also said: “The best Mahr is the one that is the easiest (to give). ad6

An expert on this subject writes:

“Adopting the middle road and avoiding extreme measures, vanity and show bring about a successful marriage. The rich and famous should take the lead in these issues because they are the ones who start trends whereas others follow.”

Extravagant mahr and marriage parties require great resolve and expenses.

Again, people adopt two extremes in this issue. Some people are stingy to the point that they merely give their wives a few coins. Then there are those who spend so much on the first

night that they could afford to get many others married for the same amount of money. Both extremes are condemned.

Someone might ask: What does extravagant spending and stingy mahr have to do with a successful marriage?

The answer is that when a person takes on the responsibility to earn money beyond his capacity and starts to spend extravagantly, he will soon run dry on emotions and then begin to blame his wife for every little thing that goes wrong in the marriage. He starts to say things like: ‘I earn for you and all you do is spend and you are the reason for all my problems.” Then, when all this is accompanied by the demands of “loan sharks” and others, matters get from bad to worse. Eventually, he can no longer cope and resorts to divorce. And even if he does not, the marriage is a total nightmare.

'S Ahmed, Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi and Hakim 'S Abu Dawood, Baihiqi and Hakim

However, if a certain amount of foresight is used and the ceremonies of marriage are offered according to the practice of the Prophet (SAW) it is most likely that the expectations of all concerned will be more in line with reality.

2. Fulfilling marital responsibilities

This issue has many points of discussion, | will try and run through them in brief. The issue is really summed up by two verses of the Qur’an:

“And treat them with kindness,””” “They have as many rights as duties with kindness.”**

There are three types of rights involved. The first is the right of the husband over the wife. The basis of this is found in the verses:

“Men are supervisors over women because Allah has made some of them superior over others; and also because of what they spend from their wealth.”””

The Rights of the Husband over his Wife

The rights of the husband may be summed up as follows:

a. Being a supervisor. This is a right that many men have waived by their own choice and deem such conduct as being good for the wife. This is wrong. This is because women, by their very nature, wish to lean on someone’s shoulders. And even though many women love to boast in front of their peers about how obedient their husbands are, they still fill

that vacuum of not having a strong foundation in their own house.

In contrast, the woman who complains that her husband is too dominecring will always know, deep in her heart, that she has the comfort of a strong husband to fall back upon Perhaps I should elucidate this with an example.

When a certain town or country loses control over its security, the towns-people can do whatever they like. There is no psychological reassurance and therefore the fear of violence always lingers in the air. In contrast, when a certain town or country is controlled by strict security measures and leadership, even those who detest the government will feel safe and secure.

So when men relegate themselves from the position of supervision, they are not actually doing women any favours. In fact, they are doing them a great disservice. The Prophet (SAW) spoke the truth when he said:

“No nation can prosper when they relinquish their authority to a woman.””' This hadith applies in general, even in the house. I believe that when a woman asks her husband to be firm and fulfil his role as a supervisor - just as she demands him to spend on her - her request will be a source of stability to the family.

The aunt of Hussain ibn Muhsin (RA) came to the Prophet (SAW) who asked her if she was married and if so, how she was with her husband. She said she made every effort to serve him and keep him happy as much as possible. The Prophet (SAW) said: “Be careful how you are with him. He can either be your Paradise or (means of) your Hell.”

c. Not to allow anyone in the house without his permission.

This is borne out by the narration of Abu Huraira (RA) who says: “No woman should fast while her husband is present except with his leave. No woman should allow anyone in his house while he is present except with his leave...’*

Nawwawi (RA) says: “this is when she does not know of the husband’s pleasure in allowing the person inside. When she knows that her husband would not mind at all, then this rule does not apply.” This is the usual practice. To sum up, an understanding of the husband’s desire and permission (either explicitly or implicitly) should be considered.”

d. Serving the husband. x

The correct opinion in this disputed matter is that it is compulsory for the wife to serve the needs of her husband. Obviously, this will differ from husband to husband, but nevertheless, it still remains one of her duties. The aforementioned hadith of the aunt of Hussain (RA) is testimony to that. We find that many wives - merely for the

The correct opinion in this disputed matter is that it is compulsory for the wife to serve the needs of her husband. Obviously, this will differ from husband to husband, but nevertheless, it still remains one of her duties. The aforementioned hadith of the aunt of Hussain (RA) is testimony to that. We find that many wives - merely for the sake of boasting and following others blindly - demand their husbands to provide servants for them in chores which they can carry out themselves. This is one practice that ruffles marriages because it puts an extra financial burden on the husband.

You might perhaps be taken aback by the story of someone who broadcast his lifestyle on the radio. His salary was 7,000 riyals and he lived in a rented apartment with two servants. He justified this expense by saying that it was the wife who wanted this kind of standard.

- Also, what can be said to the wife appliés equally well to the husband. He should consider her well-being and happiness when asking her to do chores.

. Not to assume voluntary fasting without his permission.

The hadith for this has already been cited. This is because the husband will not be able to enjoy her if he so desires during her fast. This applies only to voluntary fasting and not to compulsory fasting.

f. She should safeguard herself, his wealth and his children.

The wife is the caretaker of the husband’s house while he is absent. The most precious belongings of any human being are honour, wealth and children. These items are a trust in the hands of the wife and she will be questioned about these. The Prophet (SAW) said: “The wife is a caretaker in the

house of her husband and she will be questioned about

This is sufficient information about the rights of a husband.

The Rights of a Wife over her Husband

There are several issues here: a. Mahr, or a gift from the husband.

The wife has the right to demand this from the husband because Allah says:

“And give women their mahr as gifts.””

The previous discussion on mahr should be re-emphasised here.

b. Expenses and residence. This is borne out by the verses:

“And it is a duty for the father of the child to provide her (the mother) with food and clothing in kindness.”””

?” Bukhari and Muslim 8 Surah an-Nisa’ (4), ayat 4. * Surah al-Bagarah (2), ayat 233.

Hakim ibn Mu’awiyah narrates from his father that he (his father) asked the Prophet (SAW) what rights the wife had over the husband. The Prophet (SAW) said: “To feed her when you eat; to clothe her when you wear clothes; not to hit her in the face, nor to be profane and not to separate from her except in the house.”*'

Both Bukhari and Muslim narrate that the Prophet (SAW) said to Hind, the daughter of ‘Utbah, when she came to complain about the stinginess of her husband Abu Sufyan (RA): “Take what is reasonable for yourself and for your child.”

c. Living with kindness and a good moral character.

’This is also something the wife can’ demand from her husband. Allah says:

“And deal with them in kindness.”

The Prophet (SAW) said: ‘The best among you is the one who 1s the best with his family. I am the best among you with my family. **

It is because of these mandates that we urge husbands to

follow the noble Islamic method in their treatment of their _ wives. Even in the event of divorce Allah instructs us to be

kind and not to follow sadistic temptations:

* Surah at-Talaq (65), ayat 6.

3! Ahmed, Abu Dawood, Ibn Majah and Hakim * Surah an-Nisa’ (4), ayat 19.

* Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban and Hakim

“Divorce is pronounce twice. Thereafter, the wife should either be kept in honour, or allowed to leave in kindness.”

It should be remembered that people may choose to be too patient and lenient or too harsh and stringent. The middle path is the one to adopt.

d. The right to sleep and live in peace.

This may sound obvious, but there are those who either overlook this point, or ignore it. There are many men who come home late at night after having a “fun time” with their friends, and expect their wives to fulfil their desires immediately. They believe, or at Jeast their actions suggest they believe, that the wife is merely a servant who cooks, cleans, looks after the children and then presents herself for their enjoyment when they so desire. Men have been prevented from engaging in voluntary forms of worship to ensure that they do not ignore the psychological and emotional needs of the wife. Worship is a virtue. Having a “fun time” with one’s friends may become a sinful act.