11. Forgive and forget

When we are hurt, insulted or faced with injustice, we have two options to deal with our feelings: either to forgive and forget or to hate, harbour grudge and rancour and live to seek revenge. Both choices are hard, but their results are completely opposite. Hatred, bitterness and hostility intoxicate your body. 85 They throw you into frustration, weaken your system and make your nerves tense. Anger, rancour and revenge are debilitating sentiments that poison the soul and add nothing but pain. Harbouring animosity and bitterness consumes a tremendous amount of valuable energy.

Why should you put yourself through that? On the other hand, forgiveness transcends the soul and frees you from your destructive negative energy. Forgiveness heals you not only emotionally but also physically and mentally. Is it not worth it to get rid of the burden of anger, hatred and resentment, to be able to restore your position in social life, giving and receiving support? Is it not more comforting to promote your positive emotions, reduce anxiety and stress and readjust your hormonal balance, blood pressure and heart rate?

Forgiveness was a prevailing feature of the first Islamic nation. Forgiveness practiced by Prophet Muhammad (~ ) was the perfect example. When he conquered Makkah, finally having the upper hand over the people who had for so long tortured him and his friends, he (~) asked them: "What do you think I would do to you?" "O noble brother and generous nephew," they replied, "we expect nothing but goodness from you." He (~ ) said: "I speak to you in the same words as Yoosuf spoke unto his brothers, ~No reproach on you this day) Go! You are free!" 86 85 Hallowell, 2004. 86 Mubarakpuri, 1995, Pp. 395-396. "It was related that 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ood once went to the market to buy food.

When he reached for the money he kept in his turban, he discovered it was gone. People gathered and asked 'Abdullah to supplicate and ask for the hand of the thief to be amputated. He quietly raised his hands towards the skies and supplicated: "O Allah! If what made him take it is his need, bless it for him and if it was his boldness to perform sins, make this the last of his misdeeds!" 87 Lots of people refuse to forgive, thinking it a sign of weakness; they think that by forgiving they are surrendering to their offenders. On the contrary, by forgiving you cease to be the victim of hatred and anger and you triumph over your own evil.

Now comes the most important question: How do you forgive? First, let us confess that it is far from easy. Allah ( '!M;) tells us: ~And whosoever is patient and forgives, indeed that is of the steadfast heart of things) (Quran 42: 43) It is a challenging task requiring a fight against our own selves, it is considered by Islam as a sacred type of struggle (jihad). Prophet Muhammad(~) said: «A mujahid (one who strives in Allah's cause) is one who engages in jihad against his own self in obeying Allah.» 88 Some helpful hints: •!• Allow yourself enough time to heal, let yourself fully express your feelings; do not just deny the pain and tum your back on it, expecting 87 Ghazali the Elder (JIJJI .lo> .i..~ ,)), 2004. 88 Bayhaqi (graded as ·sound by Albani). it to disappear on its own. You have to recognize and respect your true emotions so you can release them and transcend the whole situation.

Abel, the pious son of Adam was true to himself and his feelings when he resented his brother Cain, for intending to kill him89 and said: ~Verily, I intend to let you draw my sin as well as yours upon yourself, then you will be one of the dwellers of the Fire, and that is the recompense of the wrong) (Qur 'an 5: 29) •!• Perform regular breathing exercises: the easiest one is simply to observe your breathing: do not try to control it or force it; just watch it and relax. You can also make use of meditation techniques to help you relax. •!• Practice thinking that this life is just a transient path and those little events make up the bridge on which we can cross to the next world. So, take what is absolutely necessary for you to cross it and leave what is not. Allah (~) says: (". '\ : j->.JI • J _,..,) ~Whatever is with you, will be exhausted, and whatever is with Allah [of good deeds] will remain.

And those who are patient, We will certainly pay them a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do) (Qur 'an 16: 96) •!• Honour the Divine Wisdom behind every event. Live in harmony with Allah's Will, rather than fighting it. Focus on your blessings, be 89 Ghaziili the Younger, (Jl}JI ~). 2003a. grateful for them and release yourself from earthly bonding and material attachments. •!• Keep your mind engaged with more important things. Think about Allah's Oneness, Justice and Mercy, about the rewards of conquering your anger and forgiving the offender: ~Whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah) (Quran 42: 40) <n :-> Pl .->.,......) ( .. Let them pardon and forgive.

Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful) (Quran 24: 22) •!• Fear the punishment of Allah upon those whose hearts are filled with anger, hatred and resentment. 90 Taking revenge is following the devil's path! A man once came to the Caliph 'Umar ibn 'Abdul 'Azeez complaining about an unjust act. The Caliph replied: "It is better for you to face Allah as a victim of injustice than to take revenge. " 91 "It was narrated that Jesus passed by some Jews who spoke to him badly, and he replied nicely.

His followers asked in surprise: 'They speak with evil and you reply with good?' He answered: 'Everyone spends from what he has.' " 92 90 Ghazali the Elder, 2001. 91 Ghazali the Elder, (~l)JI .4.¢ ..i..L> y.i), 2004. 92 Ghazali the Younger, (~l)JI .4.¢) , 2003a. •!• Consider each event a lesson and every person a teacher; regardless of how you choose to judge their actions, it is useless to hate them or blame them for the situation you are in. Sometimes blaming our offenders temporarily eases the anger in our hearts and gives us a 'justifiable' reason for our feelings. But this does not last for long, our anger and pain do not dissipate through blame. Take responsibility for your own situation. View your experience as a necessary step in your path towards purification of your heart and soul. •!• Hatred is a heavy burden to carry; it does not benefit you or harm your offender in any way.

It is a blinding sentiment that can eventually take full control of all your thoughts and actions. It can even redirect its path towards you leading to self-resentment and blame. In order to forgive others, start by forgiving yourself. Be compassionate towards yourself; do not carry all the blame. You probably did the best you could, so go easy on yourself.

Love yourself for who you are, appreciate the blessings you are given and let go of your negative emotions. •!• Look for the good in everyone. Each person has to have a good side, we are human after all. Try to identify each person's motivations, understand them, show compassion, find excuses for them, and then release the whole situation once and for all. Just let it go! «It was narrated by 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar that a man once asked the Prophet: "O Messenger of Allah, how many times do I forgive my servant?" The Prophet replied, "Seventy times each day and night."» 93 •!• Know that Allah does not love anger, hatred or revenge. 94 On the contrary, He (~) says: 93 Tinnidhi (a good hadith). 94 Ghazali the Elder, 2001. ~ \ ~ ~,; ~df J:. ~t:J,; .1;~/.i1 ~,~,4::=jf_; ... ~ ,.(~ (\'l"i :.:.,1~ JT.,1_,....) ""Z~ ~Those ... who repress anger, and who pardon people; verily, Allah loves the doers of good) (Quran 3: 134) •!• Fill your heart with love and spread it all around you to extinguish the fire of rancour and anger; 95 do not leave any place in your heart for the debilitating sentiments that sicken your soul and open the door for evil. •!• Know that people who are spreading injustice and animosity usually ignore the effect of their acts on others, they just act selfishly. You cannot blame bacteria for making you sick - they are simply doing what they know how to do, regardless of your opinion about ityou just need to protect yourself from them by building a stronger immunity.

Shift your focus from feeling like a poor victim to realise that life has a bigger meaning: a valuable lesson is waiting for you to grasp its fruits. 96 And remember, your thoughts are reflected in your daily life. If you are totally consumed with others' dishonesty, cheating and selfishness, this is what will keep appearing in your life. Instead, if you detach yourself from the need for revenge, if you shift your thoughts to love and compassion, then this is exactly what you will be receiving in return. (Remember the story about Lin and her mother-in-law or see page 314 for this story.) Levels of forgiveness There are three levels of forgiveness. As stated in the Qur' an: 95 Dyer, 1990. 96 Carter-Scott, 1999.

(Ii :J.W1.J_,.,.) ( .. If you pardon [them] and overlook, and forgive [their faults], then verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful) (Quran 64: 14) First, stop blaming others for their mistakes and wipe out any trace of resentment left in your heart. The second step is for you to overlook the offence completely, as if it never happened. The final step, and the best response, is to cover up for those who offended you, to veil their mistakes and faults, by never mentioning their offences to anyone. Two of the five pillars of Islam are practical exercises in forgiveness: pilgrimage (Hajj) and the fast of Rama<;Ian.

Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance! This is a valuable lesson that I have learnt personally during the pilgrimage. It is not easy to be offended and let go, to be hurt and kindly forgive and forget; to replace hatred with love, and anger with acceptance. We are faced with these challenges on a daily basis, and with the Hajj comes the practical exercise: a lesson to learn and apply. Overwhelmed by an immense feeling of serenity and peace, nothing else is important anymore except Allah's pleasure and approval.

If you have experienced the Hajj, then you are surely familiar with the difficulties posed by the huge crowds there. While trying to perform the rituals, you are pushed around, stepped upon and maybe even verbally insulted (in total contradiction to Islamic teachings, especially concerning one of its most sacred acts of worship). Nevertheless, we are ordered to overlook the offences and mistakes of others, to forgive and forget, and not to argue or resent - even internally. Prophet Muhammad (Blessings and peace be upon him) said: «Whoever performs the pilgrimage and does not commit any obscenity or wickedness, will return (from it) as (pure and free of sin as) on the day when his mother gave birth to him.» 97 We all should realise that we actually waste a tremendous amount of energy and time in useless arguments. Just let it go, then enjoy the peace and serenity that fill your heart and mind.

Cherish the feelings of love, acceptance and inner happiness. During the holy month of Ramac)an, the same lesson is repeated. Our Prophet (~) taught us: «Fasting is like a shield. If one of you is observing a fast, do not commit any abomination, do not shout and do not act out of ignorance, and if someone insults you or fights with you, just say, "I am fasting, I am fasting."» 98 So, by observing your duties during worship you are at the same time practicing how to forgive and control your temper; with practice, these seemingly difficult tasks can gradually become much easier.