Part 74

"1 Related by Bukhaaree from the hadith of Ibn Mas‘ood (5065), Muslim

(1400), Ahmad (3581), At-Tirmidhee (1081), An-Nassaaee (2239), Abu Daawood (2046), Ibn Maajah (1845), and Ad-Daarimee (2165).

Related by Bukhaaree (5063), Muslim (1401), Ahmad (13122), and AnNassaaee (3217).

Chapter - 21 The Manners Of Interacting With One's Wife 453,

In another narration from Anas Ibn Maalik 4, the Messenger of Allah 3 said,

“Made beloved to me from the world are perfume and women; and the prayer has been made the delight of my eye.’"")

Celibacy is not from the way of the Messengers. Imam Ahmad said, “Celibacy has nothing to do with Islam. Whoever invites you to other than marriage, has invited you to other than Islam.” It is compulsory upon a person to marry if he desires to marry, if he is able to marry, and if he fears that he will otherwise succumb to temptation.

The following verse provides the framework for how a man should treat his wife:

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over

them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable”’ (Quran 2:228)

Just as men have rights over their wives, women have rights over their husbands. To know the extent of those rights, people should refer to what is known as Al-Ma’roof, or the general customs and norms in a given society at a given time. How much a man must spend on his wife, how much clothing he has to provide for her, what kind of accommodations he must provide for her, how often he has to have intimate relations with her - all of these depend on a person’s individual situation and, as we said, on the general customs and norms in a given society at a give time - AlMa’roof. This is the ruling for a marriage contract that is void of conditions. If a marriage contract has conditions stipulated in it

"] Related by Ahmad (11884) and An-Nassaaee (3939). Al-Albaanee said, “Hasan sahih.” (3680).

by either the husband or wife, those conditions must be followed, as long as Halal (lawful) is not made Haram (forbidden), and Haram is not made Halal. Ibn ‘Abbaas # said, “Verily, I love to adorn myself (i.e., make myself look good) for my wife, just as I love for her to adorn herself for me, because Allah 3€ says: “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable”’ (Quran 2:228)

Mu’aawiyah Ibn Haidah said, “A man asked the Prophet 3%, ‘What right does a woman have over her husband?’ He #¢ said, Ng hgh CEG 81 ky Sb 1 Yaak ‘He should feed her when he eats and clothe her when he clothes himself (i.e., purchase clothes for her); he must not strike her face,

nor must he curse her or say hurtful words to her; and he should not forsake her except in their home."”"4)

Question: In routine domestic affairs - such as preparing meals, cleaning the house, etc. - does a wife have to serve her husband?

Answer: Shaikh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah said, “Scholars disagree: does a woman have to serve her husband to fix up the mattress, to serve food, drink, and bread, to knead dough, to give food to his servants and livestock, and so on? Some scholars have said, ‘She does not have to serve him,’ but this view is weak, weak like view in which it is held that a man does not have to have intimate relations (sexual intercourse) with his wife. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t treating her well... And it is said that - this is the correct view ~she must serve him, for a husband is her chief

"1 Related by Ahmad (19511); by Abu Daawood (2142), and in grading his narration, Al-Albaanee said, “Hasan sahih’’; and by Ibn Maajah (1850).

Chapter - 21 The Manners Of Interacting With One's Wife 455

in Allah’s Book...Among the scholars who hold this view are those who say, ‘She must serve him a little bit,’ while others among them say, ‘She must serve him according to Al-Ma’roof,’ and this latter view is correct. A woman must serve her husband according to Al-Ma’roof, which means that the standard of society based on their status applies to them. The help provided by a wife who lives in the desert is not like the help provided by a wife who is a city-dweller, and the help of a strong woman is not like the help of a weak woman (so the matter depends upon AIMa’roof - upon the situation of the husband and wife, and upon the norms of the society they live in).’”

3) Gentleness In Dealing With Women

The Prophet # ordered men to treat their womenfolk with kindness and gentleness. Women are innately weak, and so they are need of kind and compassionate treatment, and not of the rough behavior that is common among men when they deal with one another. Abu Hurairah reported that the Messenger of

Allah # said, cers | ight Sa te GE ey Lose iL \yo Cn roa

Part of treating women well is to teach them what they need to know from the affairs of their religion - such as the tulings for purity, menstruation, post-natal bleeding, prayer, Zakaat, and so on. If a husband cannot teach her because he doesn’t have

" Related by Bukhaaree (3331), Muslim (1468), Ahmad (9240), At-Tirmidhee (1188), and Ad-Daarimee (2222).

enough knowledge, he must provide her with the resources to learn elsewhere - at the very least to learn those matters of the religion that she must know. A husband can do that in many ways; for example, he can buy religious books or audiocassettes for her, or he can send her to religious study circles.

Another aspect of treating women well is to make sure they

perform their obligatory religious duties — one of them being the wearing of modest clothing and the Hijaab. Allah 3¢ said:

“And enjoin As-salah (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them fi.e., the salah (prayers)]’’ (Qur’an 20:132) And Allah 3 said:

“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones” (Quran 66:6)

After Maalik Ibn Al-Huwairith 4 and a delegation that came with him had stayed in Madeenah for twenty days, they decided to return to their homes. The Prophet 2% said to them,

Fo gse oF Bien ae we a yet 4 . Faded 8925 Ales ped LOSE RT UI ars “Return to your families, stay with them, teach them, and order them [to perform their religious duties}...""")

When a women is negligent in performing her religious duties, when she doesn’t wear the proper Islamic Hijaab, when she refuses to go to her husband when he invites her to his bed, or when she disobeys him in a matter that requires her obedience — her husband must discipline her in such a way as to bring her back to uprightness.

There are stages of disciplining that are outlined in the Shariah, and a husband should not skip to an advanced stage until the

Chapter ~ 21 The Manners Of Interacting With One's Wife 457

one before it becomes impossible for him. Allah 3€ said: ard CAs

ob ARG eptaat 3 YG CALS OG GE sth> 1O yoo EE HY Se Se IE SE

“As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great).” (Quran 4:34)

The first stage involves admonishing one’s wife. In this stage, one should remind his wife of her religious duties and of Allah’s punishment for disobeying Him. In the second stage, he should stay away from the bed they share. And in the third stage, he should hit her lightly - not to hurt her because he is only allowed to hit her lightly, but to show her the seriousness of the matter - but not with that intensity which one shows when he is giving vent to his anger and rage.

Question: If one has a wife that does not pray, should he order her to pray? And if she still refuses, what should he do?

Answer: Yes, not only may he order her to pray, he must order her to pray. Allah 3¢ said:

CE et lat cI Zh

“And enjoin As-salah (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e., the salah (prayers)].”” (Quran 20:132)

And Allah 3€ said: C5eLG ZO hE 06 Kah Kah ee galt Ge> “O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones.”” (Quran 66:6) And the Prophet # said,

565 tle “Teach them and discipline them.”

When one orders his wife to pray, he should do so in an encouraging way, just as he encourages her to do something that he wants her to do for his personal benefit. Then, if a woman persists in refusing to pray, he should divorce her; and according to the correct view in the issue, it is compulsory upon him to divorce her. In general, scholars agree that a person who refuses to pray deserves to be punished until he begins to pray again; and if a person continually refuses to pray — after being punished and warned for a period of time — then he should be killed the death of an apostate. This is one of two scholarly views regarding the issue in question, and Shaikh Al-Islam is among those who hold it. And Allah 4% knows best.

4) Joking And Playing With One’s Wife

Some husbands think it unmanly for them to joke and play with their wives; others feel that, by playing with their wives, they will lose the respect they deserve in their homes. Yet the best, most manly, and most respected of husbands - the Prophet # - would both joke and play with his wives. He 2% said,