Part 26

180 Enhancing the Islamic personality

* Al-Bukhari, Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi > Bukhari and Muslim

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Communicate with your children

In the US, the average American child spends 1,680 minutes per week in front of a machine (TV) and only 38.5 minutes in a meaningful conversation with his or her parents. Some young people spend more time on the computer communicating with people halfway around the world than they spend talking with their parents in the next room. It is very important that parents communicate with their children EVERY DAY, not only for self-esteem enhancement, but for many other reasons as well.

It is very difficult to build a relationship with any human being without frequent communication. Communication is what relationships are based upon. This is definitely true for the parent-child relationship as well. We cannot expect to have an influence upon our children unless we have regular contact with them. This is particularly true as the child gets older and begins to understand more about the world. If the lines of communication are open, it is more likely that s/he will come to his or her parents to find answers to important questions that come up in life. This offers unique opportunities for parents to share their beliefs and values in a direct and real way. Without a history of open communication, this may never happen. A line of communication is also essential for effective discipline.

The most critical element for effective communication is listening (really listening). This means giving your child undivided attention, putting aside your feelings and opinions for a moment, and trying to understand those of your child. His or her ideas, emotions, and feelings should be taken seriously. Parents should show their children that what they do is important by talking with them about their activities and interests. At times, it may be necessary to express values and beliefs, but this should be done in a calm manner and accompanied with a rationale. Problems should be discussed without placing blame or commenting on a child’s character.

182 Enhancing the Islamic personality

Praise them for good behaviour

Children respond well to praise and positive attention and this can go a long way in preventing problem behaviours and reducing them once they occur. The use of such phrases or remarks also builds self-esteem, Examples include, “Thank you for helping”, “That was an excellent idea!”, “You are terrific!” , “What a nice job!”, “Ma sha’ Allah!”,’ and “Allah will be pleased with you”. Praise, recognition, special privileges, or increased responsibility may be given for accomplishments and successes. Hugs and kisses may be used as rewards as well.

Give them praise and respect in front of others

7 ma sha’ Alldh: lit. ‘{lt is] what Allah wanted’; an expression of appreciation for something someone has done

* Ahmad in sahih al-Jémi*

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This hadith provides a unique and valuable example of respect for children. It is likely that most adults in that same situation would ignore the child or ask him or her to go away so as not to bother the grown-ups. It seems odd that some parents show a great deal of respect to perfect strangers but fall short when it comes to their own children. The Prophet (3) demonstrated the proper manner of dealing with such a situation. Children are human beings and they deserve the same level of respect as any other human being. It is important to respect and admire our children at all times, particularly in front of other people. This sends a very powerful message that a parent values his or her children and considers them to be a worthy member of the community. The Prophet (2) often included young children and youth in study circles with other Companions. These types of experiences are invaluable for character development and lead to a smooth transition into adulthood and the responsibilities of life.

Avoid humiliating or shaming them

=that in Islamic etiquette, one serves others starting with those on one's right, and goes around the ‘circle’ until those on the left are served. The boy thus had the right to be served first. (Editor)

184 Enhancing the Islamic personality

Humiliation, shame, and ridicule only serve to harm a child’s personality and well-being. In essence, they have the opposite effect of praise and kindness. They lead to a decrease in self-esteem and * self-confidence and, in severe cases, a disturbed personality and behaviour problems. We can imagine how we feel when someone gives us a negative comment or humiliates us in some way. It can be hurtful and embarrassing. Children feel the same way and, due to the fact that their personalities and characters are developing, they are much more vulnerable than adults. As a result, they are more likely to suffer from the harmful effects of such actions and carry these effects with them for longer periods of time. Parents should constantly be aware of the sensitive nature of children and their unique vulnerability.

Consult them and ask for their opinions

Consulting children about certain matters helps them to feel grown-up, responsible, and trustworthy. They feel that their opinions are valued when they are asked to express their point of view. It also strengthens their sense of belonging and responsibility toward the family unit. The amount and type of consultation that is done depends, of course, on the age and developmental level of each child. As children reach the teenage years, it becomes even more important to involve them in family discussions. This approach enhances the skills that will be invaluable for them in adult life, such as communication skills, problem-solving, decision-making, compromise, and so forth.

It would be advisable to arrange and conduct family meetings to discuss issues related to the family and its members. A family meeting is basically a structured discussion time that typically is scheduled on a regular basis and involves all members of a family. It provides a forum for making group decisions, assigning responsibilities, sharing positive feelings, and choosing activities

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for family fun. Problems that family members are facing may be discussed along with possible solutions. These meetings will assist in establishing strong ties, interaction, and cooperation amongst family members. It should be clear, however, that with any form of consultation or family meetings the final authority and decisionmaking rests with the parents due to their position within the family.

Foster responsibility and independence

Children should be given responsibilities according to their age and abilities. This provides training for the development of conscientious, trustworthy, and independent behaviour. As young adults, they will eventually need to make their own important decisions in their lives. With appropriate experience, they are provided with opportunities to learn and develop essential decisionmaking and problem-solving skills. They should then be encouraged to apply these skills on a regular basis. As children get older, they should gradually be allowed more freedom and control over their lives, within suitable limits. Parents should continue to provide support when necessary. The development of responsibility and independence is key to anyone’s self-confidence and high selfesteem. Such a child will feel valued, appreciated, and competent. This, in turn, will increase the level of trust between a parent and child and enhance the parent-child relationship, which is so vital in achieving the goals that have been set.