Part 7

2 Recorded by at-Tabarani (in al-Kabir) and others. Verified to be authentic by alAlbani (Sahih ul-Jami‘ no. 3299 & as-Sahihah no. 1838).

3 Recorded by Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albant

Quest for Love & Mercy 31 Spouse Selection

The question is in regard to the definition of compatibility. In general, it has two major requirements: din and character. These two qualities are among the required qualities for a wife that we discussed above, and are emphasized in Abii Hurayrah’s hadith in the next section regarding the husband.

Din and character may not be compromised and are the focal point for compatibility. A man or woman who is lacking in either of them is a poor candidate and should not be considered.

Other qualities may add to the compatibility between the two spouses, but none of them can be considered mandatory. Among the examples of compatibility factors is age, language, financial status, family status, national background, etc.

However, one must understand that, except for din and character, all of the other qualities are secondary and should not be overplayed, especially if they would be used as grounds for discrimination based on race, social status, country of origin, etc.

With the above understanding, we can say that age is an important “secondary” compatibility factor. It could become major if the age difference is such as to prevent one of the two spouses from being able to fulfill the marital rights of his (or her) partner.

Qualities Sought in a Good Husband Din AND Good CHARACTER

The Prophet (8) instructed the guardians of women to marry them to men of good din and character. When a man of known righteousness and good character seeks to marry a woman, he should be seriously considered.

Abii Hurayrah, Ibn “Umar, and Abii Hatim al-Muzani (@) reported that the Prophet (@$) said:

(Sahih ul-Ja@mi no. 2928 & as-Sahihah no. 1067).

<if a man comes to you seeking marriage, and you are satisfied with his dim and character, marry him — lest a fitnah (harm) and great destruction become rampant on the earth. '

Unfortunately, when looking for a husband, the woman’s family or wali first look at his bank account, instead of his iman, taqwd, and ‘aqeedah (creed).

Furthermore, many of today’s Muslim women have been affected by un-Islamic ideologies. They do not seek a husband who has taqwa and good character, which would guarantee for them a lasting, loving relationship. Rather, they seek a husband who is affluent, has an prominent position, or holds a higher degree of education — all at the cost of religion, morals, and, eventually, happiness.

While we do not call on Muslims to live in poverty, we emphasize that wealth is a minor factor that should never be compared to din and manners. We should trust Allah’s (88) promise:

Whereas Allah gives such a generous and true promise to the righteous, there is absolutely no guarantee that he will not, in the blink of an eye, take away the wealth of a man who is non-religious and ungrateful to Him.

1 Recorded by at-Tirmithi, Ibn Majah, and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 270 & as-Sahihah no. 1022).

Quest for Love & Mercy 33 Spouse Selection

When a woman marries a man with dim and good character, she will not lose out in any respect: if he keeps her, he will do so in a good manner; and if he releases her, he will do so in a good manner. Furthermore, a man with din and good character will be a blessing for her and her children, and they will all help each other learn and improve in their Din.

A woman should avoid a man who does not have these attributes — especially if he is negligent of the prayers, drinks alcohol, commits gina, or commits any of the other major sins. Wealth and. social status should never be her main criteria in deciding for or against a husband.

1B Je ga G2 .M he gue pad Min

<This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man!> !

1 Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim.

Definitions and Examples DEFINITIONS

When a man finds a woman of good attributes for marriage, his next step would be to propose to her or her family. We call this “courting” or “khitbah”; it is the act of asking for a woman’s hand in marriage. Depending on the situation, the interested man may personally approach the woman or her representatives, or may ask some of his relatives or friends to represent him in that.

If a man’s proposal is accepted, the woman is considered “engaged” to him. This “engagement” counts as a legally unbinding attachment that precedes the full and binding attachment of the marriage contract.

Even though an approved khitbah is not legally binding upon the two involved parties, it still constitutes a mutual pledge for marriage; and breaking it without a valid reason would be an immoral act of dishonesty.

A valid reason for breaking a khitbah would be for the bride’s side to discover a serious problem in the bridegroom of which they were not aware when they gave their approval. Similarly, if the bridegroom discovers a problem in the bride that he did not know when he asked for her hand, he may take that as grounds for breaking the khitbah.

EXAMPLES FROM THE SUNNAH

In a hadith that will be fully cited in the next chapter, a man asked the Prophet (#$) to marry a certain woman to him, and he (8) said:

In the case of ‘A’ishah (5), who was a virgin, the Prophet (88) proposed to her father. ‘Urwah Bin az-Zubayr reported that Allah’s Messenger (8) asked for ‘A’ishah’s (t) hand from her father Abii Bakr. Abii Bakr (445) said, “But indeed, 1 am your brother!” Allah’s Messenger (88) replied:

<You are my brother in regard to Allah’s Din and His Book. But as for her, she is permissible for me (to marry). ?

On the other hand, the Prophet (&$) approached Umm Salamah directly. Umm Salamah (tg) reported that when her ‘iddah * was over, Abii Bakr proposed to her and she refused him. Allah’s Messenger (8) then sent someone to ask for her hand on his behalf and she agreed. *

Abii Bakr Bin Hafs reported that when Ibn ‘Umar (>) was asked to propose on someone’s behalf he would go to the woman’s family and say:

dl GLAS SyE99) oly cd LU 4 ASST EG “All praise is due to Allah, and may Allah bestow His salah upon Muhammad, Indeed, so-and-so is asking for

the hand of so-and-so in marriage. If you marry her to him, praise be to Allah (for facilitating this); and if you

1 Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.

2 Recorded by al-Bukhari. Al-Albani Sy indicated that, even though this is a report from ‘Urwah who is a tabi‘T, he must have heard it from his aunt ‘A’ishah or his mother Asma’ (/rwa’ul-Ghalil no. 1818).

3 A woman's waiting period after her divorce or her husband’s death before she may remarry.

4 Recorded by an-Nasai, Ahmad, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa’ul-Ghalil no. 1819).

reject him, exalted is Allah (Who is above all deficiencies that exist in His creation),” !

‘vastness’, THE BID AH OF RECITING AL-FATIHAH

A widely spread practice among Muslims is that, when a man asks for a woman’s hand and her family accepts his proposal, they all raise their hands and recite al-Fatihah, This practice is a bid‘ah because it has no basis in the Sunnah or the practice of the salaf.

Looking at the Courted Woman

When a man intends to marry a certain woman, and prior to formally

proposing to her, it is permissible for him to look at her and see as much of her as is normally possible. This would help him make the

1 Recorded by al-Bayhaqi. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Inva’1d-Ghalil no.

2 Recorded by Ibn Sa‘d, at-Tabarani, and Ibn ‘Asakir. Verified to be hasan by alAlbani (Adab uz-Zifaf pp. 173-174). A more complete version of this hadith is cited in Chapter 5.

right decision and be sure that he truly is comfortable with her looks and would like to have her as wife.