5. Would you like to meet him outside the institution? (cont.)

Meaning, if the advice is given in an appropriate manner with tenderness from the beginning, the end result is often the same. But if it is given harshly and callously, the end result will be similar. When we are advising people, we are actually dealing with their hearts and not their bodies. This is why, children often take their mother's advice but not the father's, or vice versa and students tend to accept one teacher's advice but not another's. The very first skill one should use while giving advice is not to do it excessively and pick on every fault, big or small, so that others do not feel that you are constantly watching their every move. Otherwise, they would see you as very cumbersome. The leader of a people is not the one who is foolish The leader of a people is the one who pretends to be foolish If you can present your advice as a suggestion instead, then you should do so. For example: your wife brings you dinner and you know that she has tired herself preparing this, and it happens to be very salty. Do not say, "Oh no! What kind of meal is this? I seek refuge in Allah! It seems you emptied out the whole packet of salt in this!" Rather, you should say, "If you were to have decreased the amount of salt, it would have tasted even better." Similarly, if you notice your son wearing dirty clothes, then advise him as if you are making a suggestion, because people do not like to be ordered around. Say to him, "How nice would it be if you were to wear better clothes?" If a student comes late to school, say to him, "How nice would it be for you not to be late again?" This approach is far superior. Use this approach all the time, "How about if you do this? I suggest you do that…" This approach is much better than for you to say, "You have no manners! How many times have I told you but you never understand? How much longer do you want me to keep telling you?" Allow him to retain his honour and make him feel that he is valued, even if he makes mistakes. Do you know why? Because the objective here is to correct the error, and not to take revenge or dishonour him. Meaning, dear reader, to say it plainly, no one likes to be ordered around. Look at the Prophet's approach in this regard. One day he decided to advise 'Abdullah bin 'Umar to pray the night prayers. Make your tongue sweet He did not call him and say, "O 'Abdullah, pray the night prayer!" Rather, he advised him as if he was making a suggestion saying, "How nice is 'Abdullah! If only he were to pray the night prayers also!" In another narration he said, "O 'Abdullah, do not be like so-and-so. He used to pray at night, but then he left it." In fact, if you are able to bring his mistake to his attention without him realising, then this is the best approach. A man sneezed in the company of 'Abdullah bin al-Mubarak but did not say: 'al-Hamdulillah'. So 'Abdullah bin al-Mubarak said, "What does a person say when he sneezes?" He said, "al-Hamdulillah." 'Abdullah bin al-Mubarak said, "YarhamukAllah" (May Allah have mercy on you). The Prophet had a similar approach. When he would conclude his 'Asr prayer, he would visit his wives one-by-one to sit and talk with them. Once he visited Zaynab bint Jahsh and found honey with her. The Prophet used to love honey and other sweets. He began to drink honey and talk to her, and ended up staying with her for longer than he would stay with anyone else. Thereupon, 'A'ishah and Hafsah became jealous and planned that whoever of the two the Prophet visits should say, "I find that you smell of Maghafir!" Maghafir is a sweet drink, similar to honey but has an unpleasant smell. The Prophet was always concerned that his body or mouth did not smell bad, as he used to speak with Jibril and the people. When he visited Hafsah she asked him what he had eaten. He said, "I had some honey to drink when I visited Zaynab." Make your tongue sweet She said, "I find the smell of Maghafir on you!" He said, "No. I only had some honey to drink. But I won't drink it, again." He then went to 'A'ishah and she said the same to him. Days went by and Allah finally revealed the secret to the Prophet . After a few days, the Prophet informed Hafsah of a matter in confidence but she betrayed the confidentiality.He visited her one day whilst she had a guest known as ash-Shifa' bint 'Abdullah. She was a female Companion and a medical student who used to treat patients. The Prophet wanted to bring her attention to her mistake by approaching the issue indirectly, in order to be gentle with her.